Petty Thief Arrested!!

I'm a dumbass. I was so good at this up until recently. As we learned from Winona, don't shoplift under the influence. As you may learn from me, don't shoplift when you are angry at the world, confused, depressed and frustrated. You won't think clearly and you will get caught. The suspicious behavior that the rent-a-cops heard about was that I was trying to make a "suspicious" return. I tried to return an item in the wrong department. The associate told me the right department and I went upstairs instead of downstairs. I made the error of not concealing that I took something in that department. The merchandise I returned was actually legit. All they had to do was look at the fucking tag. Retards. OK, really, I'm the one who is retarded. They did watch me buy some expensive shoes that were on sale. I thought about snagging them, but it was a good thing I didn't. I then took a lipstick when I thought no one was watching me.

I walked out of the store and two security guards in plain clothes stopped me. Don't be an idiot and resist them. They will lie to you to get you to cooperate. They told me they would let me go. Then they told me that if the police were in a good mood that I might be released with a ticket and if they were in a bad mood that I would go to the station. Cooperate or it will not go well for you. I gave them the items I took. When I was asked if I had taken anything else, I shook my head no. They asked again and I again said no. I had to listen to the rent-a-cops swear and talk about how the other people they had detained were stupid and they thought it was funny that one woman had soiled herself when she was stopped.

The police were nicer than what you see on TV, but it was still unpleasant. There were a bunch of guys sitting on a bench handcuffed. They asked me if I had any reason to fear for my life and I said yes. They asked why and I said that those guys looked scary. Because of this they put me in isolation. I was the only female there.

I was transported to the police station. They told me I wasn't under arrest. I got a pat down, an escort to the bathroom and the whole works. I wonder if they are really doing their job when there is graffiti etched in the glass and paint of the cell I was in. But then after sitting in the tank for two hours, they finally read me my rights. They asked me to cooperate with them and tell my side of the story. They booked me, took mug shots and fingerprints and let me go without posting bail.

I had to call a cab, but at least I was on my way home. I certainly wasn't going to call anyone and say, "Hi, I'm calling you from JAIL! Can you pick me up?" The cab driver took one look at me and said, "What are YOU doing here at this hour?" What am I doing here? That's a great question.