Monday, December 29, 2008

A Bowl of Moral Fiber

How many bowls of Moral Fiber will it take to get me right?

Are 10 bowls of any other cereal and replacement for 1 bowl of Moral Fiber?

Where did I put my Moral Fiber?

Sunday, December 28, 2008

I'm not perfect

I guess I wanted to prove that I still have the touch. I wanted to prove how easy it really is to nab a few things. I didn't mean to. It's just that I found myself in the dressing room without an attendant. No one counted on the way in, the dressing room was a mess and I figured that no one would know it was me. After I was done trying things on, I had a cashier order something for me in my size. From what was seen, I wouldn't be suspected. That's exactly how I did it so easily for so long. I can't believe that I just got arrested and I'm still tempted. I still took something. I haven't even been to court. What is wrong with me? What will make me stop? I don't know. I wandered around the store trying on makeup debating if I should just leave the stuff in the dressing room again.

I even took some stuff from the store where I was caught--not the exact same store. I have to stop. I don't want to think what could happen if I am caught again.

I keep hoping that writing this blog will make me confront my inner depravity and make me stop.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Shoplifters of the World Unite

Shoplifters of the World Unite--The Smiths Video

Winona Version

Smiths Video

Going to Chuch

Yes, it's true. People like me go to church. Sometimes I've only gone out of habit without saying too much else about myself. I felt so guilty knowing I was shoplifting on a weekly basis since the accident--a little thing here, a little thing there. Maybe a designer dress or something. And no one knew. It's not like the old days were everybody really knew everybody. I'm not going to be put in the town square for all to see me in the stocks. I'm not going to be tarred and feathered, live in a prison where rats will nibble on my toes, publicly paddled (ouch), whipped (ouch) or have my hand cut off (seriously ouch!). Almost no one has to know. I even keep other blogs that don't acknowledge this side of me. This blog is my confessional.

I feel better knowing that I'm not lifting. Church was more meaningful today. For so long I didn't care that I was doing anything or not--at least until I got to church. I want to talk about it with a spiritual adviser, but not at MY church. That would be too embarrassing. They think I'm Miss Pure. I want to go to a catholic church that has screens in the confessional. It's because I am ashamed. I want my secret to be somewhere else for safekeeping. After what happened with the ex whatever I just don't need any more pain.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

A Lump of Coal

When people gave me money for Christmas this year, it totaled to 1/15 of my lawyer's fees. I got a letter from a lawyer that I already work with on a civil case and was too embarrassed to go to him for this case. I am remorseful over getting caught, doing this in the first place, not going with a lawyer that i knew and liked, and finally because it clicked in to me that I let a dumbass department store that paid me shit wages get me down all this time. In the end, they can now do more damage to me than I ever did to them by shoplifting. What the fuck was I thinking? Oh, yes, that's right, I wasn't really thinking. I had a head injury 2 years ago.

I got a gift card from the Department Store I shoplifted from. THE IRONY!!

And lastly, we live in a culture that celebrates wrongdoing. I took photos of this cute stocking in --SAME-- DEPARTMENT STORE!!


Can I use this as part of my defense?

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Why Do People Shoplift? (for those who don't understand.)

I think it might also be to fill a void. Many people shoplift after a great loss. This means that people would be better served with counseling than with tying up the criminal court system.

by Peter Berlin

In simple and concise terms... "TO GET SOMETHING FOR NOTHING."

While we all like to get things for free and the stores are constantly promoting and placing merchandise on "SALE" to generate excitement about getting a bargain, most people don't cross over the line and steal the item. But some people do. Why?

The answer is... to most non-professional shoplifters, "getting something for nothing" is like giving themselves a "gift" or "reward," which in turn gives them a "lift." Many people feel they need a "lift" just to get through the week or even the day. A study by MasterCard International found that shopping was second only to dining as the primary way people reward themselves. Take it one step further and you can see how "shoplifting" the merchandise increases the reward.

Getting Something for Nothing

It's important to understand that "getting something for nothing" always represents something more to the shoplifter than the value of the merchandise. For different people it can represent any of the following things:

For some, it's a "substitute for loss" because they perceived they were unfairly deprived in some way (i.e., a divorce, a serious illness, death of a loved one, loss of income from a job or investments, or an unexpected expense which can cause people to feel needy). Stealing a bottle of shampoo, for example, can temporarily help to relieve the anxiety about their financial situation and gives them a feeling that they are more in control.

For others, it's "justified payback" for all they give to others and how little they get back in return.

For some, it's a "relief mechanism" for anxiety, frustration, boredom or depression.
Several studies have found diagnosed depression to exist in approximately 1/3 of the shoplifters studied. Depression was the most frequently found physiological problem. This helps to explain why so many shoplifters steal from stores on their birthday and around holiday times.

Any way you look at it, shoplifters perceive shoplifting as a form of self nourishment or as a way to relieve fear or pain in their life. In truth, shoplifting is self-destructive not self-nourishing, but shoplifters often can’t see the paradox.

For almost all non-professional shoplifters, stealing from stores is basically a reflection of a person's ability (or inability) to cope with a multitude of situations in his or her life. It's a response to their personal life situations. While these unhappy life situations may not easily be changed (or may recur from time to time) shoplifters must learn how to cope with these situations in a way that's not harmful to themselves or others. This may not be easy to achieve, because approximately 27 percent of shoplifters caught for the first time have already developed a shoplifting habit or even an addiction. Many admit that it will be hard for them to stop shoplifting... even after getting caught.

A person's addiction to shoplifting can develop quickly when the excitement generated from "getting away with it" produces a chemical reaction (i.e. adrenaline, etc.) resulting in what shoplifters describe as an incredible "rush" or "high" feeling, which many shoplifters will tell you is the "true reward," rather than the merchandise itself. In addition to feeling good, shoplifters quickly observe this "high" temporarily eliminates their feelings of anger, frustration, depression or other unhappiness in their life. Realizing how easy it is to get that "high" feeling, they are pulled toward doing it again..."just one more time"...and their addiction begins to develop. Even though most non-professional shoplifters feel guilty, ashamed or remorseful about what they did, and are fearful of getting caught, the pull is too strong for many to resist.

Of course, some people don't see shoplifting as a functional or psychological problem. They say, "What do you mean that a person can't stop shoplifting? Of course they can, they're just greedy". The idea that shoplifting is an addiction, “except for a few kleptomaniacs", is ridiculous, they say. “People who shoplift should go to jail and not be coddled or told they have an addiction.” This is like telling them it's okay to steal because they really can't help it.

The irony is that most shoplifters who have developed a habit or addiction believe they should be punished according to the law when caught. What offenders often resent, however, is when they are simply thrown into jail with hardened career criminals and are not given the help or support they need to help prevent them from repeating the offense.

Juveniles Who Shoplift

Shoplifting among juveniles is remarkably similar to adult shoplifting. However, the primary issues related to shoplifting among youth revolve around family, school and peer pressures.

If you were to ask juveniles caught shoplifting, "Why did you do it"? The most frequent reply would be "I don't know". Like adults, the reasons teens shoplift vary, but most commonly it is because they wanted nice things, felt pressured by friends, wanted to see if they could get away with it, or were angry, depressed, confused or bored. Sometimes they are just mad at the world and want to strike back.

While teens, like adults, usually know the difference between right and wrong, when their life becomes too stressful they become more vulnerable to temptation, peer pressure and other things that can lead them to shoplift. This is especially true when they feel unworthy, angry, depressed, unattractive or not accepted.

In summary, shoplifting for millions of our citizens, is simply another maladaptive way of coping with stressful life circumstances...similar to overeating, drinking, drugs or gambling. It is not an issue of good vs. bad people, rich vs. poor, young vs. old or education vs. illiteracy. At any time, or even many times in a person's life, the temptation to "get something for nothing" and the desire to reward oneself can easily be present. By raising public awareness about the problem and delivering needed programs and services to people who shoplift, communities who engage in prevention efforts will reduce the number of people who become involved and improve the quality of life for all.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Oh, the stories people tell!!!

Every once in awhile I find myself taking to a sympathetic stranger who marvels at my arrest and is very comforting about it.

I talked to a lady working at a gas station who said she got involved with a guy who was a meth addict and she started doing the stuff too. She ended up with no money trying to put her life back together after leaving te guy and stole to be able to eat. She said she walked out of a grocery store with a full cart of groceries. After that she shoplifted all the time but she never got caught. I used to be arrogant like that.

People do this all the time. Saks Fifth Avenue in Beverly Hills went after Winona Ryder with a vengeance because they lose money in the millions--money that could be going to the pensions of bitchy employees. I know they are bitchy, I've shopped there. They should be nicer to their customers and maybe they wouldn't shoplift. Just kidding. But I did complain to a manager there because they were so bitchy when I was making a return of an expensive cosmetics line that made me break out (or at least that's what I thought, but then it didn't go away.) There is just no excuse for being bitchy. I don't care how bad your day was, it can't be that bad if you work at Saks.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

I Went Shopping!

I went shopping today. For the first time in a long time all I did was shop. And when I mean shop, I mean I paid for everything that went in my bag. No looking over my shoulder. No wondering if I'm going to get caught. No sneaking around. No wondering if my bag is looking over stuffed. No pretending to try things on in the dressing room.

It was a relief.

This is a hard lesson for me... It's been so long since I did normal shopping. It makes me wonder why I ever took anything because in comparison, I feel so much better when I am actually purchasing items. I can think about the person I am shopping for. I can think about how much they will like the gift.

What a relief.

I can think about how much money is going into the mess I created for myself.
The value of the items I took. And that everything I am going to pay in lawyers fees and payments to the company I stole from could have just gone into paying for items that I really wanted and that fit me well.

Don't be stupid.
Don't shoplift!!

Now I have to worry about whether or not I'm going to be on probation, or have the case dismissed or end up in court they didn't catch me on days when I had $1000 worth of merchandise in my bag. That would then be Felony Grand Theft.

Maybe for everyone else, this is a no-brainer. I should have thought about this before. I used to be like that, but everything changed when I got sick 2 years ago. More on that later. How do I explain that I didn't feel anything? How do I explain that I felt like it didn't really matter? I don't know.

So I'm going to say it again:

Don't be stupid.
Don't shoplift!!

Friday, December 19, 2008

Mail Call!!!

Apparently, anytme you are arrested, they send advertisements to you to get your case. I found out by accident. The postman came, someone got the mail and I asked if I could pull my ail out of the pile. Good thing I did or there would have been too many questions. I had to intercept the mail again today to make sure that no one in my family finds out. I was in shock. Not only was I humiliated by being arrested, no one wants to keep my secret. I need to keep it secret. I don't want to lose any more friends.

Of couse, if anyone really looked around and found this blog, they also would most likely feel the same way

Regrets, Social Consequences

I made the mistake of telling someone that I got arrested If I had just left that part out, things might have gone differently.

I used to date this guy. He hurt my feelings by just not talking to me after we shared some level of intimacy. Not everything mind you. But enough that it meant alot to me. It really hurt me. And even before that, I thought he didn't want to see me anymore because I didn't want to go home with him. He said it was because I was too religious; Haha.

I told him that if you like someone and you are attracted to them, it's worth a shot. But then I told him I didn't sleep well because I was in the tank. The thing is, I didn't think he would be so judgmental. I was crying and felt really awful and now he wants nothing to do with me.

His exact words via email:

I am extremely concerned about you, but at this juncture, my having any long conversations with you, in person, on the phone, or by e-mail, will do neither of us any good.

You are engaging in a number of self-destructive behavors at the moment. Even if I was of a mind to want to be in a romantic relationship with you, given what you are doing to yourself, I would be extremely foolish to want to be in such a relationship.

Please do not call, write, stop/drive by my home. If I see you in public (e.g. at an event), I promise to acknowledge you and talk to you, again BRIEFLY. However, if you do not IMMEDIATELY seek professional help for your problems, that will change. If you do get help, and I do see that you are getting better and you are making better judgments in your life, I will be overjoyed and we can resume our previous status.

I know that I am sounding harsh. I am doing so, because you do have many fine qualities, but you are obviously a very troubled and sad individual at the moment, and I seriously believe that your best interests would be served by you focusing on getting yourself well. While it may appear that I am being cruel to you, but I am not. I am trying to be your friend, and I do not wish to watch you destroy yourself anymore than you have managed to do since I have met you.

My words back:
I wish I hadn't told you. The look on your face hurt me all over again. I was in a fragile state already last time and I really couldn't handle how you treated me because it made me really hurt. I was so confused after that. No one ever told me they adored me. If someone who says they adore me could reject me so harshly, then what did anything mean? It made me think that no one really cared what I did--and especially after what happened with my head injury with the way people who said they were Christian treated me.

We didn't really have a status anymore, but we did have fun together sometimes--as long as it didn't get romantic. I didn't know if I wanted to be close with you again only to get hurt all over again. In many ways, you haven't been much of a friend because the ways you have hurt me made some things worse. Maybe now you just realize how much.

And by the way, I wasn't purposely driving by your house. I was driving home and crossed your street. It reminded me to call you when I thought we could still be friends.

In any case. I don't want to get hurt anymore. Please keep this in confidence because I need the few friends I have and I would like to keep this secret. That's all I ask. You don't have to talk to me because I'm not really sure I want to talk to someone who constantly rejects me.

No one is perfect. We all make mistakes. My mistake is $50 worth of stuff and getting caught. I try not to judge people for the stupid things they do. I'd be a sicker puppy than I already am if I allowed myself to think that I should behave so that he will like me. Yeah right!!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Petty Thief Arrested!!

I'm a dumbass. I was so good at this up until recently. As we learned from Winona, don't shoplift under the influence. As you may learn from me, don't shoplift when you are angry at the world, confused, depressed and frustrated. You won't think clearly and you will get caught. The suspicious behavior that the rent-a-cops heard about was that I was trying to make a "suspicious" return. I tried to return an item in the wrong department. The associate told me the right department and I went upstairs instead of downstairs. I made the error of not concealing that I took something in that department. The merchandise I returned was actually legit. All they had to do was look at the fucking tag. Retards. OK, really, I'm the one who is retarded. They did watch me buy some expensive shoes that were on sale. I thought about snagging them, but it was a good thing I didn't. I then took a lipstick when I thought no one was watching me.

I walked out of the store and two security guards in plain clothes stopped me. Don't be an idiot and resist them. They will lie to you to get you to cooperate. They told me they would let me go. Then they told me that if the police were in a good mood that I might be released with a ticket and if they were in a bad mood that I would go to the station. Cooperate or it will not go well for you. I gave them the items I took. When I was asked if I had taken anything else, I shook my head no. They asked again and I again said no. I had to listen to the rent-a-cops swear and talk about how the other people they had detained were stupid and they thought it was funny that one woman had soiled herself when she was stopped.

The police were nicer than what you see on TV, but it was still unpleasant. There were a bunch of guys sitting on a bench handcuffed. They asked me if I had any reason to fear for my life and I said yes. They asked why and I said that those guys looked scary. Because of this they put me in isolation. I was the only female there.

I was transported to the police station. They told me I wasn't under arrest. I got a pat down, an escort to the bathroom and the whole works. I wonder if they are really doing their job when there is graffiti etched in the glass and paint of the cell I was in. But then after sitting in the tank for two hours, they finally read me my rights. They asked me to cooperate with them and tell my side of the story. They booked me, took mug shots and fingerprints and let me go without posting bail.

I had to call a cab, but at least I was on my way home. I certainly wasn't going to call anyone and say, "Hi, I'm calling you from JAIL! Can you pick me up?" The cab driver took one look at me and said, "What are YOU doing here at this hour?" What am I doing here? That's a great question.