Crappy Birthday

My Brother called me and at the end of our conversation he said, in that off-hand way that all men say things to women they care about:

Brother: Stay out of trouble.
Petty: I think you should tell me that more often.
Brother: Yeah, riiiight.
Petty: No really. It might help.

No, really, Brother, maybe knowing that you care might have punctured through the prescription drug-induced haze.

A Lump of Coal

When people gave me money for Christmas this year, it totaled to 1/15 of my lawyer's fees. I got a letter from a lawyer that I already work with on a civil case and was too embarrassed to go to him for this case. I am remorseful over getting caught, doing this in the first place, not going with a lawyer that i knew and liked, and finally because it clicked in to me that I let a dumbass department store that paid me shit wages get me down all this time. In the end, they can now do more damage to me than I ever did to them by shoplifting. What the fuck was I thinking? Oh, yes, that's right, I wasn't really thinking. I had a head injury 2 years ago.

I got a gift card from the Department Store I shoplifted from. THE IRONY!!

And lastly, we live in a culture that celebrates wrongdoing. I took photos of this cute stocking in --SAME-- DEPARTMENT STORE!!

SANTA, I CAN EXPLAIN!

Can I use this as part of my defense?